Forgiving Church Hurt Without Excusing What Happened

by Ryan HayesFaith & Religious Trauma
Open book showing the chapter title "forgiveness"

Perhaps someone has already told you that you need to forgive.

Maybe they meant well. Maybe forgiveness is important to you, too.

But something in you tightens when you hear it.

Does that mean I should stop talking about what happened? Am I supposed to trust them again? What do I do with the anger that is still here?

You may want peace and feel nowhere close to forgiving. Or you may have sincerely chosen forgiveness, only to feel hurt again when a memory returns.

That can be confusing, especially if forgiveness has been presented as a single decision that should settle everything.

There is room for a more honest process, one that takes both your pain and your desire for freedom seriously.

What does forgiveness actually mean?

Forgiveness is often described as a process of changing how we relate to someone who has hurt us. It may involve gradually loosening resentment and developing some measure of compassion toward that person.

It does not mean approving of the harm, pretending it did not matter, or simply ceasing to feel angry. The American Psychological Association distinguishes forgiveness from excusing someone and from reconciliation. apa.org

That distinction matters when the hurt involves a church, spiritual leader, or religious community.

You may want to forgive while also needing to say:

“What happened was wrong.”

“I am not willing to return to that relationship.”

“There needs to be accountability.”

Those statements can belong in the same conversation.

When forgiveness becomes another pressure

Forgiveness can be deeply meaningful. It can also become entangled with pressure.

Imagine finally telling someone about an experience that hurt you and hearing, “You just need to forgive and move on.”

Even if the person intends to help, you may leave feeling that your reaction has become the problem before anyone has understood what happened.

In therapy, I want to make room for your experience before asking you to change your relationship to it.

What happened? What did it cost you? What do you wish someone had acknowledged? Is anything harmful still happening?

You should not have to minimize those answers to demonstrate that you are a forgiving person.

Your anger deserves to be understood

You may feel uncomfortable admitting how angry you are.

Perhaps anger toward a pastor feels disloyal. Perhaps anger toward the church feels like anger toward God. You may worry that allowing yourself to feel it will turn you into someone you do not want to become.

We can begin by listening.

Your anger may be connected to being dismissed, pressured, betrayed, or left unprotected. It may point toward a boundary you were unable to express at the time.

Try asking:

These questions do not require acting on every impulse. They help make the feeling more understandable.

In my work, we may use conversation, grounding, or optional practices such as EFT or tapping to support staying present with difficult feelings. The purpose is to help you explore the anger without becoming overwhelmed or having to push it away.

Begin with enough steadiness to approach the hurt

Sometimes a memory arrives with an intensity that makes thoughtful reflection difficult.

You may replay the conversation, rehearse what you wish you had said, or feel pulled into proving that you were treated unfairly.

Before trying to forgive, it may help to reconnect with where you are now.

Look around the room. Notice the support beneath you. Name a few things you can see or hear. Ask yourself whether anything needs your immediate response.

You might say:

“This still hurts. I can acknowledge that and take my time with what comes next.”

The VA’s National Center for PTSD includes present-focused coping and grounding among its resources for traumatic stress. These practices can support managing distress; they do not mean that everyone experiencing church hurt has PTSD. www.ptsd.va.gov

If the harm is ongoing, practical protection and outside support remain important. Feeling calmer does not make an unsafe situation acceptable.

Forgiveness, trust, and reconciliation are different questions

It can help to consider these separately:

QuestionWhat you are considering
ForgivenessHow do I want to relate to this person and the resentment I carry?
TrustWhat evidence do I have that this person will act responsibly?
ReconciliationDo we both want to rebuild a relationship, and is doing so safe and appropriate?
AccountabilityWhat needs to be acknowledged, repaired, reported, or changed?

You can choose forgiveness without restoring access to your life.

You can also remain uncertain about forgiveness while taking appropriate steps toward protection or accountability.

The APA explicitly notes that forgiveness does not require reconciliation, including when contact with an abusive person could remain dangerous. apa.org

Trust deserves attention to behavior over time. An apology may matter, but you can also consider whether someone respects boundaries, accepts responsibility, and changes how they act.

What if they never apologize?

This can be one of the hardest parts.

You may feel that if someone would finally acknowledge what happened, you could stop carrying the need to explain it.

Wanting acknowledgment is understandable. You may still choose to seek it.

At the same time, therapy can help you explore how to move forward when another person remains defensive, unavailable, or unwilling to take responsibility.

That may involve grieving the conversation you hoped to have. It may involve writing an unsent letter, naming what you know happened, or deciding what contact you want now.

Closure can develop through several experiences. Another person’s apology is one possibility, but your healing does not have to remain entirely dependent on receiving it.

Sometimes the pain needs treatment alongside reflection

You may have thought carefully about forgiveness and still find certain memories intensely distressing.

That does not tell us whether you have forgiven correctly. It tells us there is something worth understanding clinically.

Where appropriate, our work may include EMDR for distressing memories and their effects. EMDR is strongly recommended for PTSD, although it is not needed for every painful church experience. We would consider your symptoms, goals, and preferences together. PTSD: National Center for PTSD

The aim is to help painful experiences become less disruptive to your present life. Therapy is not a test of your willingness to forgive.

What does it mean to forgive “the church”?

Sometimes your hurt involves a particular person. Other times it feels connected to an entire institution or culture.

“The church” may hold many experiences at once: people you love, teachings you question, leaders who disappointed you, and practices you still treasure.

Making the hurt more specific can help:

“I am angry that this leader dismissed my concerns.”

“I grieve losing a community where I once felt at home.”

“I still feel shame when I remember that teaching.”

Each statement may need something different. One may call for a boundary, another for grief, and another for processing a painful memory.

You do not have to resolve your relationship with every part of Christianity or organized religion before working with one experience.

Practice being heard somewhere trustworthy

It can be helpful to speak with someone who does not immediately defend the church, condemn it, or tell you how you should feel.

One practice I encourage is phenomenological conversation: describing your lived experience and allowing someone to understand it before moving toward explanations.

You might begin:

“When I talk about forgiveness, I notice fear that people will expect me to return. I need you to understand that before we discuss what I should do.”

A helpful listener might respond:

“What would you like me to understand about that fear?”

You can practice with one trusted person or a carefully chosen community. Look for people who respect privacy, boundaries, and your freedom to disagree.

You deserve relationships where telling the truth does not threaten your belonging.

Forgiveness can be something you return to

You might experience compassion one day and anger the next.

A new memory may surface. A familiar song may bring grief. Someone’s response may reveal another part of what hurt.

You can attend to what arises without making each feeling a verdict on your progress.

Forgiveness research includes structured approaches that work with hurt, decisions, understanding, and compassion over time. It does not reduce the process to saying a few words and never feeling pain again. apa.org

If forgiveness matters to you, it can remain an intention you revisit gently.

“I want to become freer in how I carry this. Today, this is the part that needs attention.”

A place to begin

Choose one question and spend a few minutes with it:

You do not need to force an answer.

Perhaps today’s step is simply recognizing that you want peace and still need someone to understand why you are hurting.

Support for an honest healing process

Forgiveness can be part of healing from church hurt. So can anger, grief, boundaries, accountability, and careful decisions about trust.

In my work, we make room for those experiences while helping you become more grounded in the present and more able to choose how you want to move forward.

I offer therapy in Lubbock for people navigating church hurt, religious trauma, and changes in faith. You can bring both the pain you are carrying and the hopes you have for what comes next.

Book a 15-Minute Call

We can briefly discuss your experience and whether working together feels like a good fit.

Sources Cited: